Stop Press! The Secret is Out!

First Dates – The Channel 4 TV Programme

For data protection reasons, names of individuals and other details have been changed.

A true story.

“I am sitting at a table on a bright, sunny morning. At about 10:30 my mobile phone rings. When I pick up the phone and answer, that person on the other end says, ‘Hi, it’s Sally here! Do you remember that several years ago you applied to be on First Dates, the TV show? Well… it’s taken a long time but are you still interested in appearing?’ ‘Yes,’ I say. ‘Terrence at church posted on Facebook the application link. He said he knew the Producer of the programme and they were looking for Christians.’

“Sally then proceeded to ask me about my dating experience as a Christian, what type of person I would consider going on a date with and why, and what sought person I would not go on a date with. She also asked about my job and other interests. Then she said ‘I will send you a link to a Zoom call. It will be in two days. We will record the video for analysis and discussion with the producer. Oh, and don’t forget the dance music!’

“The Zoom call took the same format as the phone call. The only two differences was that I played Beethoven’s ‘Pathetique Sonata’ and danced to a praise and worship song by Graham Kendrick, called ‘The Feast is Ready to Begin!’

“Before the end of the call she confirmed that the programme will be filmed in Bristol over a weekend in May. And, yes, I already had an idea what I was going to ware to the restaurant.

“Several emails and phone calls from her colleagues followed.

“Then an email arrived with the travel arrangements to the studio where I would be interviewed by the Producer, MacNulty.

“For the event I needed a new bowtie and pocket square. And so, I picked one up the day before the shoot when I happened to be in Bromley. On the train back, Stephen from the production company phones with the final arrangements and checks before my visit to London. ‘Can you write a poem for your date and read it out to the camera tomorrow,’ he says cheerfully before we finish the timely call.

“I was brimming over with delight after that call; and even during our conversation.

“As it had been raining that day the streets were wet. I practically had not eaten all day but was full of energy and excitement about the next day. Realising this, I had to tell myself to not show my beaming radiance to anybody. After I verbalised this, I said, ‘I better get something to drink before going home.’

“So, I popped into the local Polish food delicatessen and happened to turn towards the shelves of bottled water. As I looked up at them, I heard the radio presenter mention water at the exact same time. Shouldn’t patriotic Polish shops play Polish radio stations for their Polish patriots?

“As I walked down the road to my home, I saw a rainbow in the sky that ended right there, at my home! It was then that I decided to write, and title, the poem for the next day: Rainbow Date. And that is exactly what I did with my Parker fountain pen.”

That reminds me: Must buy blue ink next time.

“Before retiring that evening, I said: ‘Tomorrow, I will be dating every single Christian woman on Planet Earth!’ Good English only permits me to use one exclamation mark here – but I could not stop laughing… and for a considerable length of time. I was like a drunk man, full and high.

“The next day, the day of the shoot, I decided not to don the brand-new wine-coloured bowtie and square, etc. I will leave that for the restaurant. Anyway, Stephen did say wear something bright. He must have seen the Zoom call video, my original application video from a few years earlier. Or maybe not? Who knows? Wearing my red and gold jacket and white silk scarf, I left for the train station with my half-eaten breakfast in my bag. I was late. Didn’t even have time to pass by a shop I visited the day before and repay them the few pennies I owed.

“Got to the station ticket machine to enter the code for the prepaid ticket they supplied, but before I had time the train arrived and so I used my credit card, instead.

“I was late!

“After I got onto the train and sat down, and reached Forest Hill, I realised that I have never had to catch a train to work in London in my entire life – man and boy – and made my way to the studio after leaving the train and station.

“When I arrived at the studio, I was escorted to the waiting area and dressing room. A member of the production crew made good conversation.

“Once in the studio, the Producer proceeded with questions. The most difficult part of the whole day was trying to, not only condense answers when asked to do so, but also retaining and replicating the same natural energy and enthusiasm when repeating answers with an abridged lexicon… How hypocrites do it  I    just    don’t    know.

“The last part of filming was for me to walk from off stage and into the middle of the set with my long-stemmed red rose, white gloves in one hand. and with the other, blow a kiss straight into the camera… peruse painted love heart hanging large as a canvas backdrop. Or was it cotton…?

“After the two hours in the studio, we all relaxed. And I did not even have the opportunity to dance to my prepared praise and worship song, or show the book of classical piano music that I composed.

The Ocean Kiss

…To continue on from the Greeting Kiss and the Parting Kiss, here is what I intended to post as part of the set of three!